Britney Spears Is Fucking Thirty.

Yesterday was Britney Spears’ birthday.

Happy birthday, Britney!

No. Wait.

Miserable birthday.

You’re 30.


Well, maybe for Britney Spears, turning 30 isn’t such a bad thing. Isn’t 30 generally the milestone we measure ourselves against? As in, “If I haven’t done X thing by the time I’m 30, I might as well kill myself!”

If for Britney Spears, X = become an international superstar multimillionaire, then I guess she’s safe, and has been for more than a decade. Bitch.

Not only has Britney had a thriving music career, with her 2011 album Femme Fatale being one of her very best, but she also has a couple of Lil’ Spearses, so she’s not skimping on the family front, either. She’s a couple of marriages in the hole, but hey. Nobody’s perfect.

Certainly not Britney Spears.

But what does it mean, that Britney Spears is thirty? If you’re like me — and let’s face it, you are — you remember when Brit-Brit first burst onto the scene. It was with “…Baby One More Time,” and she was dressed as a schoolgirl. Because she was a schoolgirl.

Scratch that — she was the right age to be a schoolgirl, except she wasn’t in school because she was too busy being on the Mickey Mouse Club, and then being a walking wet dream with a short skirt and fuzzy pigtails. She was singing “Oh baby, baby” about being hit. And we wanted to hit her. Didn’t we? Yes, we did. Again and again and again.

For her second album, Britney led with the single, “Oops I Did It Again.” Yeah, right. Like that was a fucking accident. “Oopsie! I have worked diligently with a team of the top producers and a major record label to produce a hit single again! My bad, everyone!” Clever girl. (Except for that super-dated Titanic reference.)

Because, as we later learned, Britney Spears is not a particularly intelligent woman. I know, I know; it was shocking at first. I used to think she was a genius. But that’s only because no one ever let her say anything. Then she had a big ol’ meltdown, went bald, and suddenly everyone could see what a mess she was. Many of us were worried that she’d never recover.

And she never has. Not really. Yes, she’s “back” in the literal sense of the word. She still exists. She has hair again. And she’s come out with a very good pop album. A few Femme Fatale tracks are pretty outstanding, particularly “Till The World Ends,” “I Wanna Go,” and “How I Roll.”

But she has dead eyes. In interviews, she constantly looks like she’s being held at gunpoint. Her dancing is technically precise, but there’s no life in it. She looks like she’d rather be changing diapers, and all her millions of fans are keeping her from a big list of chores she should be doing instead. And some of those outfits she’s wearing aren’t all that flattering on a woman who’s had two kids. Not that she still doesn’t look great, all things considered — but it’s time to put on some shorts, Britney.

You’re 30.

What does it mean, that our naughty little teen minx of a schoolgirl is all grown up? It means we’re old, too, people. Our loneliness may still be killing us, but I must confess: it’s getting harder and harder to believe. Is this a sign? This passing of a pop icon from the fun and (bald and) fancy-free shenanigans of youth to… thirty?

Britney Spears is still a looker, but is she still a sex goddess? The kind of woman we want to see make out with Madonna? The kind of chick we want to see with a python wrapped around her? You can answer that for yourselves. I know there are a number of very sexy women over 30, and over 40, and also, Helen Mirren. Britney Spears is another beast entirely. Her whole appeal was that “I’m a virgin — wait, oops! Kidding” thing. The down-home Louisiana girl with the killer smile who just might fuck you on an airplane, and then poison you? (But in interviews, she’d say it totally didn’t go down like that.) Isn’t that still her image, kinda?Britney Spears should stop coasting on the past and actually put some effort into creating a new image for herself. One that she actually wants to be a part of. Because we can all tell: this isn’t it. Is turning thirty the kick in the ass she needs to figure out what her future is? ‘Cause I’m not sure the sex kitten, hooking-up-with-strangers-in-clubs act is gonna last much longer.

Britney Spears just turned 30, and so did we. Culturally, I mean. We’ve rounded a corner. All that teen pop stuff from yesteryear? That’s kiddie stuff. It’s the end of an era, folks. Bubblegum pop has finally lost its flavor, so it’s time for a new piece. Maybe something more sophisticated this time, like a Wrigley’s Doublemint. A Listerine strip. A Certs. We’ve got all got to grow up sometime, haven’t we?I don’t know Brit-Brit’s actual thoughts on being officially over the hill, because I haven’t talked to her lately. My guess is, she’s fine, in that glassy-eyed way she’s been “fine” ever since we stopped worrying that she’d throw herself off a bridge someday.

So, Britney Spears may not be depressed that she’s turning 30… but are we?

2 thoughts on “Britney Spears Is Fucking Thirty.

  1. when remember the thing done by britney , I hate her and sometime I kind her. but finally she dont worry about her age. this make happy my mind.

  2. I agree with you so much on the fact that you can TELL that Britney doesn’t enjoy it, and it sucks. I’d rather her just stop, or make different music that she actually enjoys.

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