We’ve now aired multiple episodes of the When We Were Young podcast, which means it’s officially time to start uselessly ranking things.
That’s right — because I am a millennial (barely), I am obsessed with ranking things that are not terribly similar in any way, and chances are, you are obsessed with it, too. (Thanks, Buzzfeed!) So I am keeping a running tally of which of the movies, TV shows, albums, and other pop culture artifacts from the 80s and 90s hold up best.
Is it completely arbitrary to compare, say, Steven Spielberg’s E.T. to the 90s catalogue of Britney Spears to the entire run of The Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air? Of course it is! That’s what makes it such a meaningless waste of time!
Bitches, dick, Jack Daniels, and Jurassic Park references, all rolled into one.
But if I’m going to be watching the Oscars, and I’m going to be drinking, and I’m going to be playing a game, I may as well be playing my own Oscars drinking game, so here it is.
I tried to avoid some of the most obvious ones, because I know me some Oscars, and if I wanted to, I could seriously get you drunk before 6 PM.
Have fun, everyone!
This little blog of mine has existed for a little over three years now, and you know what? The more I blog, the more I realize what ignorant freaks the human race can be, thanks to the magic of Google.
Google has helped a handful of people find my blog for perfectly relevant reason — they come seeking Looking or Comeback recaps, comparisons of Black Swan to Birdman, or an explanation of what the hell Enemy is about. Just as often, however, it brings assorted masturbators and perverts to my photo gallery, seeking all sorts of unsavory things. (Some of which they may find on HardintheCity, some of which they may not.)
A lot of Google searches are your basic filth, while plenty are completely nonsensical and defy logic. I’m growing more and more certain that extraterrestrials are studying us through Google, but have not quite managed to get a grip on English syntax yet.
Here are my favorite Google searches from the past year — some hilarious, some creepy, and some utterly baffling.
(Throwback Thursday: My final column for INsite Boston, originally published in April 2007. I still feel that I wrote this shortly after Hollywood reached a turning point; when the advent of the internet paved the way for celebrity worship to give way to schadenfreude. Sensing that, I realized I had said all that there was to be said about the era’s most ridiculed stars… at least until I spent several years writing celebrity news — and continuously making fun of them.)
“All right, Mr. DeMille, I’m ready for my closeup.”
“Renee Zellweger looks like she just got back from a long trip to a Cold Mountain.”
I thought that comment was mildly amusing, so I tweeted and put it on Facebook.
Less than a minute later, I deleted both.
It was only six years ago that the name “Lady Gaga” would have sounded like nonsense, which is exactly what I thought of it when I first heard of the lady. I didn’t flip for “Just Dance” the way everybody else did and was rather annoyed when this seemingly vapid prostitute made her meteoric rise to fame (self-consciously foretold in her very first album title) based on nothing but paparazzi, money (honey), and boys, boys, boys. She was hailed as the greatest thing to hit pop music since you-know-who, and in my eyes, we already had a perfectly good Material Girl.
One of my many procrastination-friendly pastimes is perusing the Google searches that lead people to this very website. Sometimes people seem to come here and find exactly what they’re looking for — a music video, perhaps, or my insights on the latest Terrence Malick movie.
More often, they are looking for naked pictures of somebody.